There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
