you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
