I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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