he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
