Moan for me like Helen Keller
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
