mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
