Will you blow on my dice?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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