I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
