I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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