I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
