You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Two words: nipple clamps
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