I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
