i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
