it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
