i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
