There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
