mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
