the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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