uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
