Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
