so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
