I'm really into asian looking animals
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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