U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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