that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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