mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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