I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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