four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
