What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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