onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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