oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
