Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
