Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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