I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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