wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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