return my video game
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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