Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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