the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
