why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
