just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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