Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
