dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
