Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
