dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i need some magic done to my vagina
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
