I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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