Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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