Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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