The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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