I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
