can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
