I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
