dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
