You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Pooping to opera.
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