She is in my trunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
40s are totally the cure
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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