Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
