Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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