don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
