I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
