Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He did a backflip because drugs
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