you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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