I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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