Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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