If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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