true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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